I sit here....with a lot of anxiety....scared to share my story. My Facebook feed has been flooded with "me too" this week....and it's been completely overwhelming. I made a conscious decision not to make that a status on my Facebook page. The shame and guilt is still very real 14 years later.
And then God decided that in church today, I needed to hear a message related to #metoo. He definitely brought to the surface the struggle I still face with the sexual abuse I endured when I was just 15....by a stranger. I don't think about it as often as I used to, but the pain is still there in the back of my mind.
I was the woman in church that wanted to walk up and leave.....but PJ encouraged those of us that were "triggered" to stay. So I stayed. I was also the girl that knew she needed prayer this morning....but was too scared to get up and go. I hid my tears from the world....but the second I got in my car, they came pouring down my face.
Now I sit here writing a blog post....that I am going to share with what seems to be the world. I have literally been overwhelmed with "share" in my head all day. And I feel like I am supposed to share my story, my struggle, and my triumph over this beast.
My closest friends and family know my story. But not everyone does. I don't keep it a secret, but it's also not something I blast to the world....until today. I am hoping God can use my testimony to help someone else that has been through the pain I have endured. It's crazy how one evil act can completely wreck your life.
When I was 15 I was molested on a school trip by a stranger. My innocence was completely taken and I felt so much shame and guilt. I had to face him just hours after it happened at a dance....and it ruined my entire night. A trip that was earned and that I worked hard for was completely destroyed by one man. That is what I think back to when I think of this trip....not the fact that me and my friend won Nationals...not that fact that Chicago is an amazing city. I think of him.
I don't know his name and he was never found. But I remember his face clear as day. I will never forget it. He took away my innocence, he took away my self worth....it felt like he took away everything from me.
I didn't tell anyone until we got home and I will never forget my dad holding my while I bawled my eyes out on our back porch. My parents were amazing through the whole process. I had to write a letter to the organization about what happened, had to share what happened with the chaperone, and had to relive it all again just days after it happened. That was so hard.
My parents encouraged me to go talk to a therapist, but I refused because I thought I was "ok". But I was not. Just a few short months later I developed an eating disorder. This was my release for the pain that I felt inside. I dealt with my eating disorder in the shadows for 8 years before I finally got help. My behavior at home also shifted. I was very hard on my parents and started becoming rebellious.
Before this happened to me I had started a journal to mgy future husband. Innocent, naïve and beautiful. I stopped writing in it after I was assaulted because I was ashamed. I felt like no one could love me or accept me after that. What I was supposed to give to him was gone.
I also stopped going to church after I left my parents house. I felt like I was "forced" to go after that and I was so very angry with God. How could he let this happen to me? Why me? I questioned his love for me.
Those were some of the darkest times of my life. I was "wild" in college....proving that if anyone was going to touch me it was my choice. I went down a very dark road. I also struggled with depression.
The turning point for me was when I finally got help. It took me over 6 months to tell my therapist about what happened to me. I was just there for my eating disorder, so I thought. And finally one day it came out.....and she told me she had been waiting for me to tell her about that. I didn't even realize that my eating disorder and the abuse I endured went hand in hand.
She had me write a letter to my abuser. I had to tell him how he made me felt, how he had affected my life....etc. I had no idea the impact that had on my life until I finished my six page letter(front and back) to him. That was the moment I realized it wasn't my fault....and I finally felt relief. And I forgave this man.
What happened to me still affects me in my relationships. I don't trust like I should, I haven't always picked the best guys because I didn't feel worthy of someone amazing, and I get triggered very easily and pull away.
The worst thing that has happened to me was something I have been able to use to help others. I've met so many men and women that have been through what I've been through. I've been able to connect with them and be their support.
This world we live in is so scary. But something I learned this morning....it's been like that since the beginning of time. Our lack of respect for each other has got to stop. Objectification of women has to stop. We are treasures to be won....not toys for someone's pleasure.
14 years later, I am okay. I am soooo much stronger than what I used to be and God is an active part of my life. This morning made me feel not so alone in my struggle. I don't let my abuser define me anymore.
Please know that you are not alone in your struggle. You are not alone in the pain and you can overcome. You are beautiful, you are worthy, and you are a child of God. Hold tight to that and Him. I loved the quote from church this morning "you are a fierce love." We are a force to be reckoned with. God has great and big things planned for you. Don't let anyone else, but Him define you.
-B
And then God decided that in church today, I needed to hear a message related to #metoo. He definitely brought to the surface the struggle I still face with the sexual abuse I endured when I was just 15....by a stranger. I don't think about it as often as I used to, but the pain is still there in the back of my mind.
I was the woman in church that wanted to walk up and leave.....but PJ encouraged those of us that were "triggered" to stay. So I stayed. I was also the girl that knew she needed prayer this morning....but was too scared to get up and go. I hid my tears from the world....but the second I got in my car, they came pouring down my face.
Now I sit here writing a blog post....that I am going to share with what seems to be the world. I have literally been overwhelmed with "share" in my head all day. And I feel like I am supposed to share my story, my struggle, and my triumph over this beast.
My closest friends and family know my story. But not everyone does. I don't keep it a secret, but it's also not something I blast to the world....until today. I am hoping God can use my testimony to help someone else that has been through the pain I have endured. It's crazy how one evil act can completely wreck your life.
When I was 15 I was molested on a school trip by a stranger. My innocence was completely taken and I felt so much shame and guilt. I had to face him just hours after it happened at a dance....and it ruined my entire night. A trip that was earned and that I worked hard for was completely destroyed by one man. That is what I think back to when I think of this trip....not the fact that me and my friend won Nationals...not that fact that Chicago is an amazing city. I think of him.
I don't know his name and he was never found. But I remember his face clear as day. I will never forget it. He took away my innocence, he took away my self worth....it felt like he took away everything from me.
I didn't tell anyone until we got home and I will never forget my dad holding my while I bawled my eyes out on our back porch. My parents were amazing through the whole process. I had to write a letter to the organization about what happened, had to share what happened with the chaperone, and had to relive it all again just days after it happened. That was so hard.
My parents encouraged me to go talk to a therapist, but I refused because I thought I was "ok". But I was not. Just a few short months later I developed an eating disorder. This was my release for the pain that I felt inside. I dealt with my eating disorder in the shadows for 8 years before I finally got help. My behavior at home also shifted. I was very hard on my parents and started becoming rebellious.
Before this happened to me I had started a journal to mgy future husband. Innocent, naïve and beautiful. I stopped writing in it after I was assaulted because I was ashamed. I felt like no one could love me or accept me after that. What I was supposed to give to him was gone.
I also stopped going to church after I left my parents house. I felt like I was "forced" to go after that and I was so very angry with God. How could he let this happen to me? Why me? I questioned his love for me.
Those were some of the darkest times of my life. I was "wild" in college....proving that if anyone was going to touch me it was my choice. I went down a very dark road. I also struggled with depression.
The turning point for me was when I finally got help. It took me over 6 months to tell my therapist about what happened to me. I was just there for my eating disorder, so I thought. And finally one day it came out.....and she told me she had been waiting for me to tell her about that. I didn't even realize that my eating disorder and the abuse I endured went hand in hand.
She had me write a letter to my abuser. I had to tell him how he made me felt, how he had affected my life....etc. I had no idea the impact that had on my life until I finished my six page letter(front and back) to him. That was the moment I realized it wasn't my fault....and I finally felt relief. And I forgave this man.
What happened to me still affects me in my relationships. I don't trust like I should, I haven't always picked the best guys because I didn't feel worthy of someone amazing, and I get triggered very easily and pull away.
The worst thing that has happened to me was something I have been able to use to help others. I've met so many men and women that have been through what I've been through. I've been able to connect with them and be their support.
This world we live in is so scary. But something I learned this morning....it's been like that since the beginning of time. Our lack of respect for each other has got to stop. Objectification of women has to stop. We are treasures to be won....not toys for someone's pleasure.
14 years later, I am okay. I am soooo much stronger than what I used to be and God is an active part of my life. This morning made me feel not so alone in my struggle. I don't let my abuser define me anymore.
Please know that you are not alone in your struggle. You are not alone in the pain and you can overcome. You are beautiful, you are worthy, and you are a child of God. Hold tight to that and Him. I loved the quote from church this morning "you are a fierce love." We are a force to be reckoned with. God has great and big things planned for you. Don't let anyone else, but Him define you.
-B
So brave and courageous. I am proud of you and the courage it took to share. Love you
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